“Recent documents unearthed show A new generation of underclass came to fruition shortly before the infamous `Bus Stop Apocalypse` meltdown.

in the United Kingdom. A kingdom united by half-truths and stereotypes which was run by a  coalition of conservative rich kids and liberal lapdogs in the penultimate apocalyptic year of death and destruction.

In the inner cities there was a sub culture which went un-noticed by everyone up until now .

There was a sharp increase of homeless people. They were the subject of running jokes from the upper classes and were snobbishly avoided at all costs. They were called Zombified and dirty. Agrressive and desperate. These people had nothing and noone to blame apart from ghosts from their past and skeletons in their closet.

They usually came from the poorest of areas and were shunned regularly by mainstream society.

However after the global recession, cutbacks and job losses on an unprecedented scale something peculiar transcended

It can be best described as the birth of  `Digital Hobos`. The privileged ones who lost their way after losing their job, their wife and their property after being made unemployed and spending their savings on cocaine, casinos and prostitutes.

They were too proud to ask for spare change but still had that opportunist glint and a ruthless streak to survive.

While many homeless fed themselves on stolen sandwiches from `Gregg`s the Bakers` (an old fashioned franchise who put every other baker out of business before introducing sky high prices including the £5 cheese n onion pastie in 2012 which had been only £0.36p a couple of years earlier)

The Digital Hobo would only shoplift the finest foods from the best outlets such as Waitrose, cheese shops and Marks & Spencers. They would also walk away without paying for a  latte in hand from Starbucks rather than lower themselves to the soup kitchens which were readily available.

They dressed smart clutching touch screen phones and carrying laptops in their holster ready to be pulled out at anytime like a cowboy being challenged to a duel.

They also had polished empty briefcases rarely filled with anything apart from blank sheets of paper or old bills they had no intention of ever paying. Plus an occasional sandwich liberated from Cafe Costa would sit lonely inside waiting to be scoffed on a solo business lunch the digital hobo had himself with no business being discussed.

They read broadsheets that they seeked out and found on subways/ buses/ trains as they wouldn`t be seen dead reading a `Free newspaper` such as The Metro which they feared would bring disgrace upon them and possibly disease.

While couch-surfing was becoming more and more popular throughout the recession the digital hobo would turn his nose up at couches and floors and instead demand your bed for the night and who could refuse such sharply dressed gentlemen with delusional promises. Promises as empty as the breifcase he carried round town.

“BUY IT ! SELL IT! SELL IT NOW!” he would scream down his bluetooth earpiece as on-lookers privately cursed his verbal smarm (he belived was charm) completely unaware he was of no fixed abode and was merely talking to the new Coldplay album which he was streaming for free on Spotify using the local Wi-Fi for a free connection.

he ends the call  by bellowing  `You had fucking better! or don`t bother coming in tomorrow!!!` before taking a sip of his empty Starbucks coffee cup . The cup was always empty but he clutched it constantly as the brand gave him status and the packaging of the cup was like an invisibility cloak, impossible to tell how much coffee was in his polystyrene lie. The cup was always empty but who could or would presume such an unlikely scenario from such a smartly dressed individual.

he spent most of his day crouched in a dark bar on a leather couch next to a mahogany shelf of books which he would occasionally glance through although never once retaining any information from the words that glanced back at him.

He would do this during his many `breaks` . He had many as he was obviously `self-employed`. “Im Me on my boss!” he regularly informed locals at the bar.

Sometimes he would pass a Job Centre which intimidated him greatly after years of reading the Daily Mail. When he seen a typical hobo he who would whisper softly `you got a cigarette?` anything less than Silk Cut Smooth then he would walk away, irate needing a nicotine fix but knowing his standards and reputation was on the line should he succumb to Mayfair, Pal Mal or the despicable Golden Virginia roll ups.

He spent most of his day playing solitaire on the pretense he was involved in a global video confrence.

Sleeping outside was never an option, neither was using a homeless shelter or hostel. How he hated these scummy unemployed leaches of the system . Instead, he would scour social networking sites looking for a dinner party or using the line `he was in the city for tonight and would be good to catch up`

He woke up in a different place everyday and had a continental breakfast courtesy of an acquaintance before borrowing some money just until he could `hit a cash machine`

He regularly checked his cash machine on a daily basis with his many cards he had acquired over the years. “INSUFFICENT FUNDS” was the best he could hope for as on many days the machine would swallow up his card like the way he used to slurp up his beloved vegan soup and sushi.

He knew at the back of his head that his Sushi days were more than likely over as the last time he went for a business meeting at his favourite vegan sushi coffee shop ended in disaster.

The waitress he had spent years being rude too cut up his Gold Visa with a wide grin on her face and told him he had to wash dishes in return for the food he had just quaffed. He pretended to go to the toilet before making a hurried bee-line for the exit.

who was she anyway? she certainly never owned a touch screen phone never mind a coveted bluetooth headset.

Washing dishes? the thought turned his stomach and cut through his very soul like the sushi girls scissors cut through his debt ridden overdrawn platinum card

he needed a wank urgently. He knew this but struggled in vein to find a wi-fi connection in a suitable location.

His gym membership had recently expired but he still used the running machine and the shower facilities as the trusting employee of the place took him on his word that he would be re-knewing it shortly.

He found a pound coin and threw it into the clyde in disgust. It could have got him a cheese n onion pastie as this was before the infamous baker price hike of 2012 but he would rather starve than eat common garbage.

Keeping up appearances was more important than surviving…”

Dr. Bustopalypse , 2060 

`Bus Stop Apocalypse` by The Girobabies coming soon

to download sneak previews on a pay-what-you-like basis please go to   http://thegirobabies.bandcamp.com/album/bus-stop-apocalypse-2

The fish and their wives (commonly known as “fish wives” ) who dwelled in this urban landscape struggled to notice the huge simularities in each other.

Instead they would focus on marginal differences hoping to gain a mythical status of “Top Fish”

many historians belive this myth was popularised and perpetuated by Bea Smith in Prisoner Cell Block H who used the iron press more than the rest.

The fish used a method of chinese whispers barked at ludicrously sky high volumes usually under the influence of a poisonous liquid known as alcohol many of the fish were addicted to.

These stories made their way from house party to taxi driver within minutes .

The stories mutated into a bizarre strain of verbal diarrhea.
ever-changing words that bounced back off the bowl`s glass exterior and boomeranged back into the hands of countless characters. Some crouched in dispair while others chuckled in delight.

It was social networking long before the computer age and it continued right up until the now infamous Bus Stop Apocalypse.

Fish wives, fools, snakes, gossip mongers, spiteful demons used to huddle with well meaning but gullable good fish in makeshift dens and would sometimes unknowingly conspire against enemys and friends alike.

The rumour mill was powered by hot air and internally sealed eels eternally connected by speech bubble wind farms.

slanderous remarks backfired often but the fish were in no fit state to see the bigger picture.

This created an element of hatrid and fear and a constant loop of resentment as everyone in the goldfish bowl knew each other.

sometimes only by chance, sometimes only by name and sometimes only by facial recognition techniques the fish developed over years of evolution.

Sometimes dopplegangers reaked havoc, unwittingly causing mischief and innocently becoming victims themselves in cases of mistaken identities.

“Glasgow” was a one horse town. Overpopulated with too many horses.

alcohol licenses with loopholes, grey areas and envelopes.

warehouse parties and dial-a-drink.

In their droves many came to visit,

from all over the planet of fish

but rarely stayed for too long as the red carpet had a time limit

which could self-destruct at any minute

Dr. Bustopalypse ,

P.S to download preview songs from `Bus Stop Apocalypse` please click the link below

http://thegirobabies.bandcamp.com/album/bus-stop-apocalypse-2

Cars explode in the moonlight as shop windows perish to opportunist thuggery and thievery.

The Armageddon news reports rejoice in the apocalyptic nightmare as anarchy means ratings . An endless 24 hour stream of fear to the disconnected,  too terrified to leave their homes for fear of attack.

The Olympic promise of 2012 forgotten by the summer of riots, looting,  gang- fights and gunshots

And no matter where you live everyone`s facebook stream is covered in Kaiser Chiefs jokes which leaves a horrible taste in the mouth and a terrible song stuck in the head.

the caption screams UK RIOTS! *

*not currently available in Scotland, Wales or Nothern Ireland

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=edinburgh+riot&aq=f

How did this happen?

Police kill a man for an unexplained reason under suspicious circumstances. They at first claim he fired shots at them which then transpires to be untrue.

The man involved may or may not have been a drug dealer with a gun in his sock.

The officer who fired a shot claims he `feared for his life` which may or may not be true but by now it`s too late. The original story has been changed and the family given no answers. The familiar media character assassination of the dead man fails to work likely due to the recent phone tapping scandals where  newspapers  as well as politicians and police are all caught out covering each other`s backsides with no accountability or responsibility to be found anywhere.

When something goes wrong internal investigations are set up by the very people accused of the crime.

Imagine going to your own court appearance dressed as judge, jury , defence and prosecution like a surreal Eddie Murphy film where you play all the characters and after 90 minutes there`s a nice happy ending.

Tottenham smells a rat and peacefully protest their disgust at these events.

A 16 year old female is alleged to have been beaten by batton-wielding riot police after approaching them which seemingly is the catalyst to chaos.

I say catalyst as the following events have very little to do with the death of a man or the beating of a young girl.

The disaffected youths from the poorest of areas decide to kick off. Some angry at their bleak prospects, some bored since the closure of youth groups and most just want to smash things, nick a high definition television and a trolley of swally from Tesco free of charge.

I feel  very little sympathy for a well insured global super-power such as Tesco being robbed of some stock by poverty stricken opportunist chancers caught up in a once in a lifetime frenzy of excitement however it`s not long before mob rule turns to idiot rule as people start breaking and looting anything and everything.

The careless greed of the bankers who have plundered the masses for decades was imitated  in a shoddy, value range parody . Everyone out for themself. Fuck thy neighbour.

Small businesses , cars, houses and even people are targeted by degenerate fuckballs who seem to think they`re playing Grand Theft Auto : The Hackney Edition on a looted PS3 , pressing Triangle all over the place.

Eventually people die as scum reigns supreme and the police stick the 999 calls on silent.

How did it get this bad?

Where exactly is the police?

Cutbacks have left them short staffed and under  trained . It`s easy to blame them or even snigger as they run around like headless chickens banging into each other akin to scenes from Police Academy that Hightower (R.I.P) would have been proud of but it`s not the police on the frontlines fault. Not the rookies at the beginning of their career or the good guys who have been at it for a while.  There is a minority of bad police who use their power in unjust ways but in general they just follow orders. They know not what they do. It`s the police we don`t see we should perhaps be more concerned with.

We all knew last year when they reduced the police force to a mere shadow of it`s former self around the same time as youth club closures and major austerity measures were being implemented that their was gonna be trouble. I knew, you knew, the experts knew.

Shiiiiit! Even Nick Clegg knew….

These kids definitely knew. The guy at the end of the video below says `their will be riots` when asked about 13 youth clubs shutting down

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/video/2011/jul/31/haringey-youth-club-closures-video?INTCMP=SRCH

Did Cameron know? Either he is so out of touch with the grim realities of street life that he didn`t or or maybe he kind of wanted it to happen or perhaps he just didn`t give a fuck

They were all looking after themselves after all , the murdochs of this world who had invested in their election campaign and all their Etonian friends from the Bullingdon Club.

After an election campaign of lies the coalition conspired to hurt the students, the teachers, the emergency services, the public sector, the working classes, the middle classes, the pensioners. Pretty much, everyone who wasn`t already rich.

How did the British public react?

We protested

How did the government react?

They sent in the police to kettle the crowd with some heavy handed tactics

A minority lashed out smashed a police van or Two which BBC/ SKY then broadcast as `Outrageous violent protests` always ignoring the peaceful 400,00 and focusing on the one foolish crass simpelton who threw an object from a roof

A poker faced Cameron would then appear on television saying he `condemned violence` (can`t argue with that sentence now can you?)

And that always did the trick. A few choice newspaper headlines and `Breaking News` film of a burning police car and away you go. The protest went unheard, the questions unanswered. That was the end of it.

But that was before your general man in the street became aware of the phone hacking scandal. We all knew about Andy Coulson`s past apart from ironically the readers of the press he ran rampant in.

your typical Sun/ News of the World reader didn`t coz News Corp didn`t cover it until they had to.

When they did, they interviewed themselves in a way that resembled a drunk man on a bus talking to a bottle of cider, muttering and slurring his excuses of where it all went wrong.

When News of the world got canned that general man in the street said`Where`s my Sunday tits and sport?`  and the general women in the street went `wheres my Sunday gossip and horoscopes?`  okay , okay a lot of these people just moved onto the Daily Star or  ( for the more adventurous out there ) The Daily Sport but people started watching the news a little more .

Because to them the news was watch-able that week.

*Dave Brown, The Independent

Cameron looked like he was shitting himself for the first time ever. That smug chinny grin of his morphed into the look of a benefit cheat caught with one hand in the till whilst the other hand cupped his balls.

Rebecca Brookes said she would investigate herself. We all laughed and said no.

Rupert Murdoch had to appear before a panel in a pointless exercise that wasted everyone`s time but more so Rupert & son.

When Rupert spoke he appeared to be on a time delay , getting  answers through an earpiece or there was some kind of Weekend at Bernies / ventriloquist action going on which meant that when the clown got the custard pie in the face it actually made sense to bored viewers who now understood that was a real life circus they were witnessing.

The police had to answer why their phone-hacking investigation (despite piles of evidence) amounted to asking a suspect if he thought he was guilty of any wrong-doing

The same Police guy also had to talk about the time he went to Rupert`s for golf, cocktails and foxhunting the same time he was conducting an investigation into Rupert`s company

Police chiefs also kept consistently and conveniently carving out highly paid jobs in journalism with Rupert once they decided on early retirement from the police force

And the icing on the cake is of course that the main guy with blood on his hands Rupert`s main man Mr. Coulson was made the government`s  `Director of Communications`  after Murdoch invested his time, money, newspapers and TV channel to help Cameron to become prime minister

They were tapping the phones of everyone. Not just the likes of Ryan Giggs and whoever he was shagging that particular week.

Normal people. People who had went missing. People who had already been killed. Destroying evidence and giving false hope to families by deleting messages in search of that next big scoop.

For the first time ever the normal man/ woman in the street could finally see the Three headed beast of the media, government and police all scratching each other`s back and trying to lie/ pass the buck/ deny all knowledge of any wrong doing

But that memory quickly evaporated as the tube fed us 24:7 coverage of `Small businesses who had worked hard, losing everything`

We all forgot it was only a week or so earlier that Sean Hoare (the whistleblower who started all the heartache for Rupert and Dave and co) was suddenly found dead of `unexplained circumstances but not thought to be suspicious`  which sent alarm bells ringing round every right thinking person`s mind. Even if it was all perfectly natural then  surely in this high profile case it should have been treated as `suspicious till proven otherwise`

Remember David Kelly? A man who was found dead the day before he took his damning war dossier to parliament. Should that not now be re-investigated knowing what we know now?

“Of course not don`t be  ridiculous!!!  that`s like saying Rupert killed Amy Winehouse in an attempt to distract Jo Public ya paranoid conspiracy theorist I bet you CONDONE VIOLENCE and hate the troops!”

austerity measures have caused riots round Europe, the Middle East and North Africa . Their state owned press said it was a minority, some bad eggs, troublemakers, a few arseholes basically. While our news had no mention of looting or lawlessness. No mention of bad people . These were protestors standing up against a `wicked regime`. Our media and government (same thing) went as far as `praising protestors` , `condemning police` and `urging governments to open a dialogue with the people`

Iran has cheekily said the same thing to to our higher archy this week but you would only know this if you watched it on Press TV or read about it online.

Russia Today has went as far to suggest that there may be a `false flag` theory beneath it all in order to bring in martial law police state. That alongside the idiots who like vandalism and free shit it is possible that their was an agent provacteur in amongst it with the hood zipped up and a petrol bomb or 3.

And if the latter is the case then by rioting we have done exactly what they wanted. what was needed. The British public were in uproar about Billy the Butcher s shop being burned to the ground. They wanted the army to sort it out. Water cannons and plastic bullets at the very least and they got what they wanted. They couldn t get the army because their at full stretch being killed and injured everyday in multiple foreign lands illegally , fighting fights that can never be won.

“All the Rioters should be sent to  Afghanistan to fight alongside real men” was a popular quote on Facebook this week and a more worrying but less common one was blaming it on ethnic minorities who should `be deported` from the very country they were born in.

I had to delete a friend for blaming it on Bin Laden (?)

This fits majestically into the right wings hands who abhor multiculturalism and invite devisions. Classism is the real issue here.

Listen to and read the powerful , inspiring words of `The Povert of Philosophy `by Immortal Technique which have never been so fitting

I have no firm opinions or answers to any of this. It`s a long winded,  ill informed rant to remind people about last week!!! 

It`s not being paranoid to question what you hear  (unless some hoody looted your short term memory obviously) It`s not a conspiracy theory. Leave your tin foil hat in the oven. People in charge have been lying to us all and this was all proved many times over LAST WEEK!

just because the news says it is so … doesn`t mean the people will or should willingly accept it. Foreign news channels and eye witness accounts on the internet mean there is a lot more information out there and you should listen/ read it all before making snap judgements about anything. Hear both sides of the story before committing.

Look at the way the BBC tried to paint respected author Darcus Howe as a thug because he dared to have a different opinion to anyone else

Whether you agree or disagree with Mr. Howe,  the `impartial`  presenter`s attempt at slinging mud on live  television is downright shameful and at the very end she looks foolish at the very least.

The Sun`s `Spot the Moron` campaign will most likely get at least a few  innocent people`s lives ruined. Front page scandal, small print apology next year if the paper still exists by then.

Finally where was the government ?

Dave is back ! everything`s under control !

one word- ITALY 

They were `forced` to come back due to their capital city being in flames. Poor Dave he even tipped a waitress on Monday dontcha know?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-14442611

that was the shameful `story` the BBC reported on Monday while London burned to the ground.

The future to contain social criminality with limited resources is to implement water cannons, plastic bullets and even fashion police. No shirt, No entry.

we did a song last year called `Riots, Raves and Shoplifting` which I dont have to hand so i`ll end it this with another rough demo we did ages ago called `Big Society` which Andy Kelly (Colour Cells) made a video for . The point is the whole thing was predictable and avoidable. Lyrics were written long before any of this came to pass. If a semi-literate nobody like myself knew it then I find it hard to believe that the powers that be didn`t also know a riot was in the post

http://thegirobabies.bandcamp.com/album/bus-stop-apocalypse-2 to download some new songs on a name-your-price basis to keep you going till the October Album launch

Way before that guy made a facebook event I had toyed with organizing a street party. Not because I care about the royals one way or the other but I liked the idea of bands and djs hosting a free street party in the sun that the police were forced to turn a blind eye to

especially when out of touch tory millionaire announced “I am your prime minister and im telling you if you want to have a party, go ahead and have a party”

Ignore red tape? Ignore health and safety?

Sounded good to me … and 4,000 other revellers who went to Kelvingrove park in Glasgow with cunning grins and an appetite for techno and alcohol *No mention of the royal wedding all day by anyone*  Luckily I never organized anything or I would be getting sued for £40,000 by the council (stick it on the tab etc)

What I did do though was send 4 very different undercover investigators to blog the day from their point of view

The Undercover Police officer, The undercover ned, The undercover westender and the undercover hippie

Here`s the exclusive highly classified documents :

Undercover Westender:

Yah it started off really cool. Me and a few of my double-barrelled named friends took a picnic to the park. We slapped on the suntan lotion and popped a bottle of champagne and discussed the important things in life like y`know, politics, The occupied University movement and Kate`s dress (Which I correctly predicted would be white . That`s a night out at the casino you owe me Nathan- Windsor-Joseph-Jason Christweather)

We were like drinking beer in front of the police . Sometimes they would look over and we were Like yeah, whatever. It was like so Glastonbury. So Woodstock. I even took a smoke of a joint. Obviously I didn’t inhale like duh! Im not a junkie. but many were unfortunately. There was some common peasant scum sitting right next to us. We were like Oh My God. Major P.S.I- (personal space invasion) Not sure if they were neds or crustys but they were kicking a football (OMG Kicking a ball in KELVINGROVE PARK I!!! I mean don’t our taxes pay for facilities in their council slums for their prehistoric rituals)

They  were repeatedly inhaling from this thing they called a `Gong` and one of them even asked Felicity Virginia Henrington- Smythe for `a winch`  so we decided to move from the hill to where the sound system was. In hindsight we should have stayed where we were and listened to Sarah Jessica Cockworths I-pod deck. She had some really good Coldplay even I hadn`t heard before.

When we got to the music I knew there was going to be trouble. I shuddered as I seen topless cavemen cavorting to their trusted `techno beats` .  I went up to the policeman like “Oh my Gosh officer! this totally contravenes the Criminal Justice and Public Order Act 1994 part V which was designed to stop travesty’s like this happening …. in Kelvingrove park of all places!!! How can this be allowed to happen?”  he told me to `loosen up` I couldn`t believe it. I took his name and number and will be filing an official complaint with my uncle (Actual police stations are so depressing)

Thankfully the music stopped not long after and the police arrived in force telling everyone to leave the park. I was like `My shirt costs more than your horse can you puuulease concentrate on getting the bams out the park?`  at that point a police officer manhandled me out of the park. It was like total police brutality. I for one won`t ever be going back to the park. Or any parks for that matter. It`s full of poor people getting drunk and making complete scenes of themselves.

UNDERCOVER NED

Aye me and the mad squad hit kelvingrove for a swally and to get a swatch at the fanny. Some laugh by the way. We cracked open the Frosty`s and hid a few buckets. Wee Boab found a fly away and we started getting a kick about. The baw nearly hit these students. Funny as fuck man then Tam went to get the baw back and tried to chat up some posh roaster. KNOCKBACK!  Ha! Ha! YOOSHAL!  Whittalaugh, man!  Wee Spekcy Joe came up to us and send there was banging choons doon the hill so we took a swagger doon and WIZITFUCK  banging. Nay Gabba man. Just some poofie techno way a bunch of students geeing `here we fucking don’t go` lol the polis telt me I wiznay allowed to drink ma tonic. I wiz like here you ya roaster there`s 10,000 cunts drinking and yer geeing ME jip. Away and shag yer horsey, Pal` gallas as fuck .  Then Two of them pure grabbed me and started cuffing me. Next hing I know wee speccy Joe and Boab started flinging bottles. Funny as fuck until wan of them hit me in the heid. Ended up huvin to take a detour to the infirmary on my way to the jail. Nay mare park days for me man. Full of poofy student pricks.  Got a fine and a slash mark oot ay it.

UNDERCOVER HIPPIE

I arrived early in the day and the vibes were amazing man. I don’t know if it was the sunshine or the bottle of LSD I was dropping out of but everything was orgasmic. The trees were beautiful man they kept growing in front of my eyes. The police were laid back and turned a blind eye to me passing a joint to some usually up themselves student types. They were co-existing peacefully with the young team. Everyone was having fun and enjoying the day. The techno was vibrating through the riverbanks and up to the hill. Then out of nowhere the music stopped and turned into screeching sirens. There was Royal knights flying through the sky on what looked like camels . Everyone was freaking the fuck out. Bottles were going everywhere and I started panicking so I did what had to be done. I started chanting my favourite peaceful  mantra “GEEEE-I-I-I-HAROOOOOOOOOW” over and over and then one of the Royal Knights on his camel of fury bellowed out in a voice that shook kelvingrove to it`s very core “GET OUT THE PARK!!!” I told the truth , that I ingested drugs and was freaking out . They searched me, arrested me and I spent the night in the cell with a student called Parker Elliot Johanssen and a ned called slash as my cell melted in on itself. The park days are gone maaan. Bad vibrations are taking over. The reptilian New World Order doesn’t want us to enjoy nature anymore. A sad day for mankind.

UNDERCOVER POLICE

I arrived at the park at approximately 0900 hours to find my colleagues bemused and some slightly aghast. A Facebook event had been created and the council (Under the prime minister’s orders) had gave it their blessing… to a point. The orders came from the very top, David Cameron PM himself. We were to allow normally law abiding citizens the afternoon to consume alcohol conflicting with the Scottish Alcohol Licencing Act 2005 as long as and I quote “There is No Buckfast and no Frosty Jacks”

The crowd of 4,000 approximate revellers gathered and was mostly good natured until the music was switched off. Various theories as to why this happened, We are still unsure of at this stage. At this point we were told by our chief –in – commander who had been watching the helicopter and CCTV footage from his station to and I quote “GET EVERYONE OUT THE FUCKING PARK!!!”

The slight problem was we were under-staffed (Cuts?) and un-prepared (The Prime minister obviously had a different definition of a `royal wedding knees up` to Glasgow) so around a hundred of us (10 or so on horseback ) tried to clear the park with immediate effect. We were faced with neds, students who `knew their rights` , screaming drunk females who had lost their boyfriend, people on drugs who had lost their phones and we couldn`t get anyone out the park.

We were then told to start making arrests.  I recognized this stuck up student type with a goatie from the Free Hetherington Occupation who I had earlier told to `contain himself` as he tried to tell me about criminal law. He was under the influence and became aggressive. I put him under arrest and took him to the van.

I was then faced with a drunken ned who was openly consuming Buckfast tonic wine. He refused to comply and told me to `go and have intercourse with a Police horse` He was put under arrest and his friends started throwing bottles one of which cut my colleague and the ned himself.

We then felt under threat for our lives and started arresting anyone and everyone who `looked threatening`  one of whom was a crusty old hippie type who agreed to a stop and search. We found a small quantity of cannabis and a suspicious bottle. He was arrested and also put in the van.

That night I thought about what had occurred. The fact that David Cameron had told Glasgow to `have a party`  without any thought of the consequences, or The chief-in-commander who demanded we throw everyone out the park immediately and putting me and my rookie colleagues lives at risk while he sat in his plush office watching CCTV with his feet up. And also about the people we had arrested which could have maybe been avoided with a little patience.

I decided to quit my job. But there was one last thing I had to do.

I  walked into the Police station and gathered together the ned, the westender and the hippie and we went back to the park where we chatted and enjoyed an ILLEGAL alcoholic beverage in the sun  alongside the street cleaner who done a fine job of tidying up, Before we all hit a recording studio where together we made a song called `Countdown to Tinnitus`  in one take which we released as a single last night. You can hear it and buy it for only 69p* at the link below

http://thegirobabies.bandcamp.com/track/countdown-to-tinnitus

• 69p or more because I am now obviously unemployed due to morality, Ned guy needs a new fly away football and a bottle of Buckfast, Hippie guy owes a scary drug dealer a tick bill for the drugs we confiscated and westender guy needs a nice pair of new shoes. We are now unemployed with no prospects and  criminal records and that is how The Girobabies were formed.

http://thegirobabies.bandcamp.com/track/countdown-to-tinnitus

lets all celebrate the imaginary death of an invisible man just in time for the tenth anniversary of 9/11 and an election. Obama`s popular again (up 34% according to Reuters) , oil is cheaper, shares are up, Evidence non existent.

No pics, No videos, No DNA tests. “buried at sea” is up there with “my dog ate my homework”

Yesterday… `the world is a safer place`
Today… we`ve got to `stay on our guard` for a revenge attack
Tomorrow… Bin Laden is interviewed by Andrew Marr saying `Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated” before being asked to `prove it` on the Jeremy Kyle show with a DNA test

Im not a conspiracy theorist. I enjoyed watching the Zietgists but questioned many flaws in the films. It`s good to hear both sides of the story something Fox News, Sky News etc will never comprehend

I don`t pretend to know what the fuck is going on but I can have a bash at what isn`t

In my opinion Bin Laden died a long time ago. Remember in 2001 it was alleged by government officials he was weak, frail and had ordered a mobile dialysis machine to his cave?

TO HIS CAVE!!!

Almost Ten years later he was living happily in a playboy mansion type gig in Pakistan with his many wives and was still fit enough to `resist arrest` against the finest soldiers and technology America has to offer.

He got busted LAST AUGUST  after someone noticed he wasn`t `incinerating` his rubbish (Bin Laden didnt trust the bin man) and not owning a telephone. It seemed there was practically no connection to the outside world.

If all this is true- then what kind of global threat does an O.A.P with no phone and no internet actually have?

Paper aeroplanes with jihad instructions to would-be suicide bombers?

The sketchy details that keep appearing and re-appearing include that he had been there for at least 5 years right next to a Pakistani military base who hadn`t noticed or cared about a highly secure palace compound popping out of nowhere that rejected the local councils refuse collection

So it seems that he may have been dead along (until someone can disprove this with PROOF)

why pretend he was still alive when he wasnt?

Either they didnt know for sure or it was because He was a hate figure in the U.S, someone who spread fear around the world. Phrases such as “we won`t give up this fight until we get Bin Laden” gave them a free reighn over Afghanistan then Iraq

There was a $27 million bounty on his head. Dead or Alive. Did the seal who killed him not want his cash reward and instead wanted to honour the 24 hour funeral which is common in the muslim community instead?

The professional sniper maybe had a guilty consience after killing an old man in cold blood and wanted to respec his religion and ensure Osama got his dying wish of a 24 hour burial yet obv didnt want to `endager` the western world with a shrine that extremists could visit so dumped him into shark infested waters quicker than a `royal wedding party` at kelvingrove can turn into a `drunken fight`

The Timing?

Well Obama`s approval rating has been dipping downward in spectacular fashion. Any good ideas he`s attempted comes up against the crazed republican christians who believe free healthcare is an abomination of American values. Die if your poor is the american dream supposedly.

His popularity is somewhere between hitler and friztl up until yesterday where thousands gathered to shout `Four More Years` . Speaking of Hitler in a 366-1 shot Osama was `killed` on the same day Hitler died , V.E Day. Another co-incidence im sure.

The Amercian dollar was diminishing, the economy was `fucked` and oil prices were sky high. All that has been temporarily transformed.

For how long though?

Yesterday the world was a safer place yet today we were warned to be extra vigilant about the possibility of a revenge attack. That`s because true or not, Osama has became a martyr for extremist muslims so does that not defeat the entire purporse of creating unified (a word that got used more than any other in speeches yesterday) peace on earth?

Did Bin Laden even bring down the towers?

If you read up on the evidence and watch the array of documentary available you`ll see that a lot of things dont add up. The fact that Osama was trained by C.I.A, his family were good friends of George W. Bush, The fact he was given all his weapons by the U,S in what we can only assume was an oil deal

The Bottom Line…

No conspiracy theory but definite `Misinformation` is in play even as I wrote this the news has changed again saying his wife wasnt killed after all. So she wasnt being used as a `human shield`?

The picture that originally appeared was exposed as a photoshop hoax and this underlines the fact that the modern age is far more sceptical than it was back in the day. IF video footage and/ or photos are released they are gonna need to be 100% back up the U.S Governments claims but even then it`s prob too late to convince many that…

The Official Line NOW RE_CAP

a frail old man suspected of masterminding an attack on New York from his cave who probably died years ago avoided a $27 million bounty on his head for Ten years and after a few years jumping from cave to cave was living it up in a playboy mansion right next to a Pakistani military base who never noticed a palace compound appearing then never even reacted to a bunch of unidentified helicopters (one of which crashed) as they all went in gun`s blazing before killing the most wanted man (who resisted arrest by using his wife as a shield- sorry scrap that official line NOW is he was `unarmed` and yet to be found guilty of anything) then after killing him in cold blood `buried` him in the sea to respect his religious beliefs before gathering any proof on the same day hitler died and the royal wedding bank holiday weekend and V.E day and a recession and when Obamas losing in the polls and we will celebrate the death of another human being despite being devout extremist christians who like to contradict the bible anyone who says otherwise is a `paranoid loon`

Anyone else smell a rat?

p.s we also make music and our new single ``Countdown to Tinnitus` (Bus Stop Apocalypse` OUT NOW 

*none

2011- what could go wrong?

Floods only occasionally clear up for a quick, cheeky forest fire as weather gets (according to the MET office) `Officially- daft`. Hailstones the size of cow heads wipe out cattle which means the end of burgers but the reduction in `cowfarts` is expected to please green house skeptics who can now drive their car twice as much with half the guilt

Sarah Palin causes yet more controversy by calling Obama a `Motherf*cking Muslamic terrorist` at this point It is universally agreed by her tea pary peers that she has `the guts` to run in the next presidential election

Following Tommy Sheridan`s imprisonment and Andy Gray`s public shaming/ sacking The Murdoch empire becomes so good at destroying it`s opponent’s careers that to save time even bloggers who call him a `prick` online are immediately rounded up by the Police and shot to save time and resources .

The Television bosses start the year with shows that almost always tackle the obese. This is so popular with viewers that 90 % of new shows that are commissioned are successful TV shows from the past with heavy characters added into the cast with `hilarious` Ronseal style titles such as Fatty Towers, Only Fats and Horses and X- Fatter

After the success of `My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding` producers go one better by making `My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding … On Ice` and even adding C-list celebs into the mix for shows such as `I`m Not A Gypsy Get Me Out of Here` set in a caravan and featuring the likes of Andy Gray who signs up in an attempt to rebuild his career but the plan backfires after he makes a `Two Up Front` joke to an ageing page 3 model

In Business Google buys out Gregg`s the Bakers and Blue Lagoon`s chain of chip shops giving It full devolved power of its first country – Scotland. Alex Salmond welcomes the move by munching down a Cheese n Onion Pastie and saying it`s what `William Wallace would have wanted`

Google cause controversy by introducing Google House Cams in the East End of Glasgow in a pilot scheme set to roll out globally. The public`s initial fears are swiped away with the news that all footage will be compatible with I-Phones.

After the success of Andy Coulson the coalition announce that Jeremy Kyle will be made head of the Department of Works and Pensions. His first move is to install `Get A Job` alarm clocks in every household featuring his amplified voice screeching throughout every home daily in the UK at precisely 8am. This encourages more people to leave the house and apparently go to work but has adverse effects to the ratings for his daytime TV show which ITV are forced to cancel alongside it`s flagship ITV on demand player on the account of It `being pish and noone ever using it`

It`s another tough year for he economy if your already poor or fairly well paid as the banks all chip in for a beautiful island for the super rich to live in peace and harmony away from all the snipers and critics. “The chavs were all getting a little bit rioty” explained one insider “Bankers and Politicans were getting treated like 2<sup>nd</sup> class citizens. They`re jealousy amounted to bullying and we didnt really see the point in living with these spongers anymore. We dont need them to work minimum wage for us now. Scrapping the NHS was a stroke of genius, Now we live the good life without fear of being questioned”

P.S Dr. Dre still hasnt released Detox

Let`s travel back in time to a place called 2010 (Oh! it only seems like last week) where The Giros got played on BBC Radio, hit the festival circuit , supported some legends and had more changes than an Obama poster campaign. This is a brief re-cap from one man`s point of view. I`ve tried to keep all the bad bits in too so don`t think it`s all plane sailing about how great we were this year coz at times we were drunk, terrible and out of practise. Here`s the truth…

2010 started with an acoustic charity gig in the seaside town of Ayr. The night was in aid of Scottish Cancer Support and was organized by Jim Draper and we were invited to play by Roscoe Vacant. The venue was like a miniature church called Bar Libertine. There was no room for a drumkit so an unplugged set-list was figured out … on the train down. We had a quick practise at Jess Hopkin`s tea cafe before winging it onstage. The set comprised of the old, the new, the never heard before or since and a few Sun Dogs song`s with me and Robbie. We did well but it is of no importance as Hugh Reed (of Velvet Underpants fame) took to the stage after us and blew every musician on the planet out of the water. If you weren`t there then you`ll never understand. Hugh Reed is a legend and an inspiration and throwing bottles of Irn Bru over the audience and wrapping them up in cello tape just enhanced that reputation in my eyes.

After that we started recording our first studio mini-album in Elba Studios which would become `Social Not Working` (Stream/ download) we paid for it with hard work and a couple of fundraiser gigs at The Soundhaus, The Flying Duck and a sold out Irvine H.A.C show. The E.P launch was in conjunction with Old Jock Radio where we played with Keith Phillips and Diddums to a sold out Buff Club (upstairs) on April 30^th.

Depspite the fact that the sound engineer was behind the stage we managed to play a tight set probably due to the unusually settled line up of me, Hazy, Robbie, Martyn and Stephen on drums with Jess joining us whenever she could on fiddle and xlaphone. That would be the last time a settled or even recognisable line up would occur as the rest of the year descended into chaos, hilarity, brilliance, ramshackle hit or misses that occasionally verged on the ridiculous.

We always knew that The Buff Club was Robbie`s last gig for us, It had been decided mutually long beforehand as he was gonna be way too busy with work/production/ other projects to commit fully so we needed a 2<sup>nd</sup> guitarist and brought a friend of a friend called Lewis in. This was a talented, laid back dude who was never phased by anything. Perhaps ever so slightly too laid back but Lewis came in and done us proud for a handful of gigs. Starting with The Dirty Suits single launch at Maggie Mays which he blagged with a one hour practise with Robbie`s guitar and pedal.

That gig will be most remembered for the toga party spat that erupted as some of our fans / friends took it upon themselves to dress up in togas (nothing to do with us) Let`s just say this didn`t go down very well with everyone else on the bill. I`ll mention no names but certain people felt that the toga people were undermining the music, It was indeed an absurd situation that I did well for keeping out of. I would return to Maggie Mays a few weeks later to join the now sadly defunct alternative rockers  We Are Jawbone onstage for a rousing post-election version of `Politicians are Scum` (Pic Below)

The following week we were due to play the Ayrshire launch of our `Social Not Working` CD and had received a 3 part interview in The Irvine Times leading up to it when out of the blue I receive a phonecall from Martyn the bassist saying he can`t make it (to save his embarrassment I wont say why) so we had Two days to find a replacement or the gig would have to be pulled. To keep the `Never cancelled, never will` motto alive I had to pull a very large rabbit out the hat so I made some calls and the man who answered the call was Nick Gallagher (the Kaliedescope Eyes guitarist who had been previously flung out a hotel with us in Perth after a Twa Tams gig)

He didnt play bass or own a bass but assured me he would borrow one and make it happen. His word was good enough for me.  He practised to the CD, came in for one practise before the gig and sussed the setlist out within an hour. We had a few beers on the train down to Irvine and played the HAC alongside Tragic O` Hara and the Colour Cells. Nick played a blinder, as did Lewis the more experienced Giro of the Two with one more gig and one more practise under his belt. It could`ve went really bad but somehow it all came together on the night. Next time we wouldn`t be so fortunate…

Our first outdoor festival appearance was at the Summer Solstice in a secret location so finding it was a mission in itself. When we did get there the sun was shining, the drinks were flowing and the stage was … not there. It arrived around 6pm (the time we were scheduled to play) and our drummer was designated driver so he couldn`t partake in the festivities. By the time we got onstage it was around midnight and me, Hazy and Martyn were suitably refreshed. Hazy more so.

We kicked off with `Backlash` where Hazy introduced the guitar solo a few lines into the first verse. It was the worst version we have ever played and Stephen left his cymbals and stormed offstage, went straight to his car and drove home through the sheep infested neverland somewhere in Dumfrieshire.

Another random drummer jumped onstage for the 2^nd song which wasnt much better. At this point, Martyn (Bass) walked offstage to try and catch a lift (He was too late as Stephen had already disappeared into the mountains) but I asked the bouncing crowd if anyone could play bass and someone said `Aye`  and the set continued till it reached it`s natural conclusion eight songs or so in. The two random punters playing along with songs they de never heard before. They prob did a better job than me or hazy. The crowd response was exceptional and we were the talk of the site for the rest of the weekend with conspiracy theorists going so far to claiming we planned it that way.

*Video footage of that gig and many others will surface soon in the shape of a rockumentary being edited together from 100 hours worth of footage

We followed up that adventure with a trip back to Ayr to play West of the Moon with E.P music. We were supposed to be supporting The Underdog Theory but they pulled out at the last kick of the ball due to Welby the singer losing his voice. This meant there was no local bands playing but we brought enough punters to have a good one and played a good set to a few friends, fans, Dear Stars and a few bemused regulars at the bar. Lewis came into his own that night with an especially epic guitar solo to new song `Elephant in the Room` and the `Fishing with Gazza` song he helped co-write that got its only ever airing that night.

2010 was such a long year that I`m trying to concentrate purely on the gigs but it was 2 days before our next one `Rock the Boat` festival in Loch Lomond that a definite high took place as Paul Heaton of The Beautiful South played our track `Jeremy Kyle` on BBC 6 Music (which was also my birthday) It was incredible to get such a legend to be a fan of what we do and an even bigger surprise that of all our songs it was `Jeremy Kyle Fucked my Wife` that somehow made it by the British Broadcasting Corporation radio censors. This also paved the way for other D.Js / Bloggers to take us a bit more seriously and start playing us / writing about us too

At Rock the Boat we played on the same bill as Steve Craddock (Ocean Colour Scene), Lisa Littlewood, The Draymin, The Soviets and many many more top acts of every genre on the bonnie bonnie banks of Loch Lomond. We had Jess Hopkins back in the band and took the Girotrain to Balloch at around 2pm with our stage time pencilled in for 4.30pm, we had a few drinks to get `in the zone` and were ready to rock the boat until a fire alarm evacuated the entire boat. As a result we were moved to headliners at 9.30pm after The Draymin had played. The result was an additional 5 hours of drinking and by the time we hit the stage, it showed. A below par performance on the main stage of the boat although the crowd were in similar spirits and they danced and slipped throughout. Still a highlight of the year despite some sound issues and there`s some great video footage from the unplugged dressing room jams with a superband we created on the day.

There was more festval appearances to come when a couple of days later we replied to an S.O.S call from Live at Troon who needed another act. It was the 1^st ever L.A.T festival and it included bnds such as The Sunshine Underground, The La Fontaines, Colour Cells, Tragic O` Hara, Taylor Buntain and Martin McLaughlin. We played on the Cheeky Charlies stage and had a few mishaps leading up to it. We had to borrow an entire drumkit, Jess` (Who had our amps) car had broke down 60 miles away. We managed to get a loan of Stefan (Underdog Theory) s bass amp and various other people helped out. Worse still, Martyn (Bass) couldnt make it and his replacment Nick had his hand bitten by a dog so we recruited a last minute replacement in Allan from We are Jawone. He learned the songs from listening online and we played a good gig all things considering. We scared away some of the Troon wendy`s but we sold all our CDs, were paid in loads of free drinks/ food and had a magic night.

A few weeks later Lewis was to play his last gig and it was one of the best we`ve ever played when Hugh Reed & The Velevet Underpants invited us to play with them at their local – The Pandora, Shawlands in the southside of Glasgow. The sound was good, the crowd was incredible and to play with a Glasgow legend such as Hugh and his band definitely has to be one of the best things we`ve ever done. It may end up being their last ever gig too which made it all that extra special as Hugh has jetted off to live in China with his better half days later.

The only bad thing about that night was Stephen`s cymbals (£1500 worth) were stolen from Cosmopol at the afterparty which we got back 2 months later when a guy tried to sell us them back at a pub after advertising them on gumtree. We obviously gave him no money, took our cymbals back and laughed at the guy`s stupidity.

Our last outdoor festival of the year was at yet another secret location and was called `Equinox` where we played with Three new band members who had never met each other before but had learned the songs in the lead up and played a stunning set to the biggest crowd of the weekend in a huge gazebo. On Bass was Pete Jordan from London band Clinker who I met minutes before we went onstage. He and Tomoko have remixed some of our tracks and always given us honest feedback online since the very beginning, which has been invaluable to the band`s progression. It`s always good to get an outside opinion and he played a note perfect set from start to finish by learning the songs off our CD and having zero band practise whatsoever. On drums we welcomed two cameos who had never practised with the band before nor had they ever even met Hazy. For the first couple of songs was the outstanding Calum Weir from Coco Bryce and for the second half of our show was Andy Kelly from Colour Cells who also played a blinder and even partook in an impromptu jam midway through the set (Colour Cells lead singer Doc even joined us for a song on backing vocals)

It was a genuine thrill to play live alongside such great musicians with the balls to pull something like this off. Probably the best gig we`ve ever played.  The predominately techno audience were out of this world and jumped , bounced and sung along throughout as everyone in the tents serotonin went into overdrive.

Another highlight of that crazy weekend was making my own cameos with Annie Stevenson to sing `Bank Charge` and to play a full trippy set with Dan `Dougie` Bungladors, a Scottish hip hop legend who was playing his first set in years. He had compression mics, pitch shifters and all sorts of goodies to mess around with my vocals as I ran through a lyrical freestyle free for all as best I could in the condition I was in. The crowd lapped it up once again and if you were there, you witnessed one of the best moments in festival history.  It truly was a special weekend full of hilarity and hedonism. The Girobus there and back was an event in itself.

The following week we were due to play Rock the Boat 2 with The Complete Stone Roses, Alabama 3, Bez, Pearl & ThePuppets, Charles Coombe & The New Breed but due to the council rejecting the festival on health & safety grounds we played the Burgh bar in Dumbarton instead supporting a band Oasis signed Proud Mary (Famous for their Top Ten indie anthem `Very Best Friend`) there was also a Dumbarton supergroup on the bill who went by the name of White Noise and The Unstoppable Flying Raincoats. It was a great night although the sound wasn`t the best and I dont think we quite won over the Dumbarton crowd as a whole.

Round about this time John Steele made a video for our `Bank Charge` song which went viral in the states

The last festival was an indoor occasion back in Ayr for Rockfest in Harleys which boasted Two stages, a Free BBQ and the best talent Ayrshire had to offer. We went back to the recognisable line up of me, Hazy, Stephen, Martyn and Jess (Who played fiddle and Xlaphone) It`s fair to say it was a mixed reaction. We had a lady from America who was on holiday in Scotland and had made a point of seeing us as John Steele`s `Bank Charge` video went viral in the states and she incurred a bank charge of her own attempting to buy our CD online. We sold some CDs and certain people loved it but we were told to keep the noise down at one point as the previous bands/ singers were a lot quieter and I dont think Harley`s knew what had hit it when we took to the stage. One girl seemed visibly terrified as I shouted at her through a megaphone.

Our first ever proper acoustic gig was next on the agenda for Artbox (A Stow College project) at The Griffin, where me n Hazy played decent a lo-fi set with prodigal son Robbie returning on djembe and playing a couple of his songs with me on guitar ( including`Brain Scientist`and `Anonymous Man`) we also had Mozzy Carlin on Tamborine playing a slumped down Bez role sitting on a chair and used a bit of computer magic for a bizarre `laptop acoustic` version of `Elephant in the Room` as a closer.

we also made another acoustic appearance shortly after this for our first ever radio session on UCA radio with Sammy B where we talked shite for 2 hours and played a few songs including an impromptu love song by Hazy making his vocal debut and declaring his love for the D.J and did acoustic versions of `Nightmare` and `Countdown to Tinnitus` I was extremely  rough for that one as I had spent the entire weekend getting beaten up dressed as Batman outside and inside various nightclubs, warehouse parties and a zombie walk in the westend for the `Jeremy Kyle` video (below)

The next proper Glasgow gig was November 10^th at The 13^th Note where we supported Irish punk poet legend Jinx Lennon in his first ever Scottish show. It was a great night and full respect must go to Roscoe Vacant and The Gantin` Schreichs for not only playing a superb set but also organizing the bill which also included Robert Sarazin Blake. This would also be Martyn Yuen`s last ever appearance on Bass. This would be the first time we`de ever play a brand new song live as a band called `Countdown to Tinnitus` and the first time Lou ever sang live with us. One quick practise beforehand and she was good to go and do this…

The camera footage doesnt quite do the night justice. The  sound was top notch, the atmosphere amazing. and Lou, A true professional. Expect a lot more from her in the coming months with us and also with the stuff she`s recording with Pete Mullen (That be the dude who has recorded Giro demos such as `Party Around Me` and `Big Society` ) Robbie Gunn (Sun Dogs) was also due to play that night but his hand got bitten by a dog the night before (The 2^nd time a band member of The Giros has had that happen to them)

The other member who got bitten by a dog was Nick Gallagher whose wounds have now healed and he has joined the band full time on bass guitar for the time being but he will eventually move onto 2^nd guitar as he is quite honestly wasted on the bass. He has been a breath of fresh air and brings experience, a positive attitude, banter, effects pedals and a synth which ive been dabbling with. The first live appearance of the Corgi was a secret gig at Pivo after the weather stopped an Oxjam gig at the southside on the day of the gig. `Never cancelled, Never will` meant we made some calls and took to the stage around 10pm to a crowd of business suits having a quiet drink. We pretty much emptied the venue after 3 songs apart from the hardcore Giro faithful who made it with only a couple of hour`s notice.

That would be the practise run for our first ever capital gig in Edinburgh the very next week. Jess Hopkins was a last minute addition to proceedings and she played the synth as we rattled through a 25 minute set at 1am as set times were over-running and DJ`s were waiting in the wings.

Henry`s Cellars was mobbed for our set (many friendly, familiar faces from our festival exploits earlier in the year) and it was genuinely well received despite the fact there was no clean channel on the amps nor was there any onstage monitors that worked. The afterparty would be in Livingstone`s fire brigade station after The Girobus broke down on the M8 and we had to push it in the snow to safety. Big up to the bemused but welcoming firemen who let us party in their `station`  for a few hours until the under pressure driver finally delivered us home safely many, many hours later after the most surreal corrie omnibus experience ever, Rolling trays in the kitchen and a toaster that nearly set the fire station on fire.

December has been a very productive month for recording the follow up and dabbling in side projects… and just a few days ago we had probably our finest hour supporting the legend that is Chris Helme at Pivo Pivo. The Seahorses `Do It Yourself` album was one of my favourite albums when it came out back in my school days and his performance was top class. His new solo stuff is sublime and his new versions of his old classics sounded better than ever and sparked mass sing a longs all night. We graced the same stage beforehand and the place was rammed and everyone in the band was tight and in top form. Considering Nick, Robbie and Lou had never met each other before that day and I was dabbling in synth we really did well to pull off a cracking set to a bunch of Chris Helme fans who seemed to enjoy it for the most part. Chris Helme seemed to enjoy it if you watch the video below and to me that`s the most important thing to me

We experimented with a few new songs and it was good to have Robbie Gunn back for the full gig which really did give it that extra kick. All in all a successful year where we played Glasgow, Irvine, Ayr, Perth, Dumbarton, Dumfries, Loch Lomond, Edinburgh, Troon and more. We also supported big names such as Chris Helme, Proud Mary, The Draymin, Jinx Lennon, Hugh Reed and much more. We did a few radio sessions and got played on many radio stations such as BBC 6 Music by the likes of Paul Heaton and Jim Gellatly. Famous people who have our CD include Paul Heaton, Steve Mason, Anton from Brian Jonestown Massacre and Chris Helme.

We have done everything on our own with no help from anyone. We have been through more than most and got on with it. We have had to borrow  equipment,  band members with no time for a practice…. and we still did it.  We have had to wing it under many occasions which has always given us an edge that our hardcore fans have always enjoyed or made us sound shit but we would like to pay everyone back who has shown faith in us so far by producing a great record, perfecting our live set with a settled line up and getting right up all those who have written us off over the years.

2011 we will release our follow up to `Social Not Working` which we have took our time with and as a result expect it to blow the last one out the water, all the while maintaining our D.I.Y punk ethic roots. Expect a tour, a few line-up changes, a remix album and a batch of side projects and we have already been booked for a few summer festivals alongside the likes of Alabama 3 and Shed Seven.

Here`s a snippet from an unfinished demo called `Big Society`we`re working on  that Andy (colour Cells) made for us

We would like to thank everybody who has came to a gig, bought a CD, downloaded a song, suggested us to their friends, Shared a video and helped support us in anyway. None of this goes un-noticed and we may never top the charts but expect us to continue to make music that we want to make and have a lot of fun doing it. We keep improving and getting better and better but we`ll be careful to never get too good as in robotic good or take ourselves too seriously. We do this coz we want to, we have to.

Happy New Year

The Girobabies- Never cancelled, Never will

Hopefully see you at a venue near you - http://thegirobabies.fanbridge.com/tourdates/

and you can  Buy/ Download our music and support the band

Highs, Lows & Giroshows ( Part 2)

***Part 2 of a brief nostalgia trip as The Girobabies celebrate 2 years of live gigs on December 29^th at Pivo Pivo w/ Chris Helme (The Seahorses)

March 2008

with Claude on the otherside of the world we quickly threw together some auditions as we had a big gig lined up at the Sub Club with a very famous tribute act (I wont say which one) . A couple were decent but not match fit so a friend of a friend called Scott stepped in a couple of days before the gig. Usually a metal drummer he did a decent job and would play one gig on drums at Cosmopol rather than the Subby as the gig was pulled at the very last minute. Band blamed promoter, promoter blamed band, not sure what went on but we found out on the day of the gig but in order to keep up our `never cancelled, never will` policy we were added to a bill elsewhere and Scott (with only 4 hours practise and no access to our music) did as well as can be expected in those conditions. Jess also did well that night but in general it was a bit an anti-climax

the full-time drummer search continued and it was Stephen Andrews who nailed it in his first session. He has been a fine addition and a good mate into the bargain. He had played with previous Ayrshire bands such as Alamo Lake and his first gig would be in Dirty Martinis, Kilmarnock, The local act had cancelled so it was just us on the bill and a Glasgow band who literally turned up, played for 20 mins and left. The gig itself was a drunken affair as all the people in the venue were there to see us or friends who had turned up for my birthday. I was still in a suit after being in court for an unpaid drinking fine (the day after a new bye-law was brought into Glasgow which meant I got done for walking with a bottle of wine in a rucksack whilst en-route to the studio) I thought that was unfair so I fought the law and the law won.

It wasn`t our best performance musically but it was a perfect warm up for the big Soundhaus gig we would play the following week. This would also feature Stephen, Jess and our newest addition – Robbie Gunn. He had produced `Time Machine Prescription` (above) the same month and being Martyn ( bass) flatmate got talked into joining us onstage with only 2 practises under his belt. We had known for a while we needed a 2<sup>nd</sup> guitarist and he fit the bill perfectly. Giving all our songs an extra edge and his first gig went perfect. The place was sold out as both us and The Culprits packed the Breakdown: Bands VS DJs night. The night also featured an impromptu stage invasion (later used in Lemonstifits` time machine video)

The next gig was at Capitol on September 11^th. We played with Yoshi . Great live band, highly recommend seeing those guys. But whoever was in charge of promoting the gig booked the same band two days running. This would be one of the last time we would rely on a faceless promoter who kept ALL the ticket money, Did NO promotion and never even supplied a backline. I will mention no names but that was shocking customer service.

I have nothing against good promoters who understand the word `promoter` but if your bringing no punters through, supplying no backline, printing no posters, doing no listings, double booking an artist who pulls out then you are NOT a promoter and certainly dont deserve the artist`s wages. The gig itself was pretty tight as the 5 of us gelled and we were even joined onstage by a secret polar bear who sneaked in a fire exit.

Next up billed us a Friday 13th- Girobus to Perth, What Could Go Wrong? We took a coachload to Twa Tam`s in Perth. This was the wildest away day we`ve ever had. You could barely move and there was moshpits -a-plenty as we rattled through our set. The gig also featured The Sky Mangle and The Heavy Duty Box Company. Something about a private coach which brings out the child (or the nutter) in everyone. It was all good fun and we`ll definitely be back there on the upcoming tour.

The last gig of 2009 was our Christmas party at Pivo Pivo where we debuted `What Could Go Wrong` to a lively festive crowd (Except from a sleeping polar bear in a santa hat) we also did a song dedicated to Hazy`s new love called `Love and Librium (Detox)` which caught him slightly off guard.

Part 3 coming soon with how we launched our first studio recording, Got played on BBC radio and ended up headlining boats, playing festivals and supporting established acts

As the Christmas No 1 campaigns reached fever pitch throughout U.K and beyond,

X factor released a posh plumber called `Matt Something` doing a Biffy Clyro cover. Meanwhile, The Biffy fans unite to get the original to No.1 and Family Guy fans attempt to get `The Bird is the Word` to hi-jack the top slot.

Meanwhile, the silence in The Girobabies camp was more deafening than John Cage`s 4.33 track.

We had 3,000 people attending our `get the Jeremy Kyle Fucked my Wife` song to Christmas No. 1 in October (!) and havent acted upon it. I decided weeks ago not too…

Why?

Imagine Jeremy`s family gathered round Christmas dinner listening to the Top 40. as they do every year. When their ears are subjected to some sort of sick joke. Imagine the horror. Imagine the lawsuits. Is that the reason?

HELL NO ! – it`s twofold

It started as a joke but 3,000 people in after a week we certainly could have ran with it and coined in a little but…

Imagine people hearing of The Girobabies for the first time through a chart orientated capitalist jingle orgy. Imagine the same people who infest Green Day gigs thinking `Amercian Idiot` is the `greatest punk album of all time`.

The ones who fold their arms during Kings of Leon s live sets until `Sex is on Fire` comes on then scream like idiots then say `They`re such a great new band`

The ones who ruin RATM for the rest of us when `Killing in the Name of` comes on. The seem people would then be appearing at our gigs requesting , nay , demanding we play `Jeremy Kyle` which I would consider to be the worst song we ever recorded and a song that is lucky to make the set list. Call it musical snobbery but… I dislike these people very much.

Secondly, I have a major issue with using i-tunes to be considered eligible for chart placings. We are not on i-tunes. We disagree with Apple taking a huge cut of every sale and for what exactly? What do they do to deserve it? If you really want to support an artist then do it direct through their website, or a site such as Bandcamp or buy a CD direct from a band at their live gigs.

So in conclusion if you want to download `Jeremy Kyle` and support independent music then go to http://thegirobabies.bandcamp.com . There is other songs too. Better songs… And also a few limited edition CD`s left. Don`t do it for Christmas, do it coz you like the songs.

So who are we backing?

The silence of John Cage?

The Biffy Clyro original?

Whilst we would like nothing better than X-Factor to be defeated Two years running…

Tragic O` Hara rightly called it earlier in the week . It`s a popularity contest. Why not boycott the entire chart and give your 79p to a worthwhile charity.

A chart placing has never been on our agenda before so why ruin it with a campaign that does just that. We were never going to get No. 1 but we easily could have charted with a bit of effort, a stunt here or there and support from our loyal fans spreading the word. It would have been for the wrong reasons. We`ll save novelty records for the Cowells and Watermans of this world. If you like our music then please download it and/ or share it with your friends but A Giro`s for life, Not just for Christmas.

If you download via our Bandcamp page- It will NOT count towards a chart position but ALL the money goes towards us finishing our follow up to `Social Not Working` and NONE of it goes to Apple.

Merry Christmas! / Bah Humbug!

(delete as appropriate)

The Girobabies

P.S

Check out Tragic`s worthwhile campaign below

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Lets-all-boycott-Christmas-number-one-and-give-our-79p-to-charity-instead/162983830411095?v=wall

*** The Girobabies play Henrys Cellar Bar on December 18th,

UCA Radio on December 20th,

The GRV on December 21st,

and Pivo Pivo on December 29th w/ Chris Helme, Tragic O` Hara and The Huskies

2 years of Highs, Lows and Giroshows (part 1)

The 2 year anniversary of the first proper Girobabies live show takes place on December 29th 2010 at Pivo Pivo w/ Chris Helme (Seahorses) so we thought we`de get nostalgic. People have been making videos for some of our old songs and sharing their favourite memories so here`s a (mostly) uncut look at the story so far….

by Mark McG (Singer/ Songwriter/ Manager of The Girobabies)

Part 1- The Birth of The Giros…….

The Girobabies birthdate is hard to pinpoint. I first coined the phrase and the idea of a band called that when I returned from living abroad and was working in various call centres (Easily getting hired, sometimes being promoted and usually getting sacked) I had always written lyrics from an early age but due to lack of musical talent, nothing much ever came of that (apart from a few early demos lurking around somewhere) my  friends and I would jam ideas at the infamous Giro Mansion sessions which combined punk, hip hop and a large dose of tongue-in-cheek banter. 2 of my good friends who took part in these early demos passed away during an unprecedented spate of bereavements which culminated into a slight breakdown which resulted in a `Not give a fuck` attitude which got me and Hazy sacked from a call centre. It was only after the dismissal that some songs were finally recorded through a cider-soaked ps2 singstar microphone plugged into an old P.C in an Ayrshire town at the edge of the universe

I had infinite lyrics and hazy had the gift of guitar (Not HIS guitar obviously, that one and his pedals were accidentally pawned during an infamous John Hayes   `blackout`) so we borrowed my Da`s old acoustic for creating ideas and with livers of steel we recorded songs in one take without any regard for the listener as…well  there was no listeners (apart from our friendly neighbour)

After a month of binge drinking and prolific songwriting a myspace account was finally utilized. One take wonders such as `Smoking Ban` , `Aggressive Beggars ` and indeed `Bank Charge` were uploaded to the joy, dismay, confusion and sometimes disgust of the internet world.

I had no idea the power of the internet at this point whilst Hazy thought `Bebo` was something you plugged into the wall. Myspace was HUGE around this time and a drunken one take sratchy `recording` called  `Smoking Ban` (written before the smoking ban from an old mans perspective) was picked up by an awesome London band called Clinker who remixed it and a guy from Newcastle made a trippy video before an American guy used it on his busy website. It took off to the point that pro-choice groups and freedom of speech protesters used them on their websites all across the world

We had SHITLOADS of songs but no equipment or reliable band members. (at one point turning up to gigs with a plectrum and a grin was the norm) Eventually another sacked Onecaller Martyn Yuen came in on Bass and a random French legend called Claude came in on drums.  He could barely speak English but played the drums fantastique like Keith Moon and was a bona fide legend. We added some song structure and a little bit of practice and when Madskull invited us to support them at their Christmas show at Ivory Blacks,we accepted in the blink of an eye.

The First gig…...

Being fans of what Madskull were doing we were honoured to play on the same stage and such was The Girobabies hype at the time we packed the place, the gig was a complete sell-out and we relished every minute of it (unfortunately Wullie scorsssesse only videoed one song of it)  Glasvegas were even in the crowd at which point the bold John Hayes told James Allen that he could `Learn something from watching our live shows`

`The Januarys are Shite` tour was next whereby we played Cosmopol with Madskull as a favour for Al (Some Boy) as they had filled in for The Tranquill due to a last minute call off at Ivorys. The sound was awesome that night, we were paid in good grub and beer and this would be the first time a polar bear would fall asleep at one of our gigs… But certainly not the last

*** rare mobile phone footage from Pivo Pivo gig the song is called `The Giros` *****

We then launched a CD called `Sack the Unemployed – The Wheelybin Sessions` at a sold out Pivo Pivo which we gave away to everyone for free. Which is just as well as the CD was pretty shite. It had a few good ones in it such as `Party Around Me (Pete Mullen Mix)` , `Liquid Sky` and  `Summer Showers` but in general it was a bit of a shambles, The CD covers were *cough* low budget and some of the discs  had nothing written on them .  The sold out headline slot was also ruined by our mic being cut off which didnt stop the party as drums, bass and a stage invasion ensued (we were barred from the venue for a week or so) ) The gig also had Punto the Feef, Heavy Duty Box Company and The Sky Mangle on the line up who were all top class.

The Sky Mangle subsequently kidnapped Hazy in a crazed drinking game which lasted for a few days until I got a call saying “Hazys lost a drinking game so now Girobabies need to play Perth tonight” Martyn and Claude quickly passed on the offer as they had sensible lives to lead and girlfriends to answer to. However, I went along with it and got lucky by flagging down the craziest taxi driver in Scotland who drove me and a friend up to Perth from Glasgow for a line, a CD and a tenner.

We arrived in Perth to find Hazy in `party mode` or `The Zone` as he calls it. Twa Tams was buzzing (literally) . We borrowed a guitar off someone and Brett Mangle found us a stand in drummer who had never met us in his life or heard our music. He was called Gordy Gordonson and we played as a 3 piece band. He never missed a beat as me n Hazy played a `unique` set to a packed perthshire crowd. Someone shouted `arsehole` at one point so we did a song called `Im Not an Arsehole (im a Secret Animal)` off the cuff and the crowd lapped it up. We were pretty far gone but loved every minute.  The Mangle + Heavy Duty Box Co played storming sets before The Kaleidescope Eyes put the icing on the cake with mogwai-meets-verve music that sounded rediciously good. They`re bassist Nick then gut flung out a hotel with us later in the night when the Police came to the room (ten in the bed and the little one said roll over) Luckily they were good cops and chose to ignore the herbal aroma and sent us on our way to where Im not sure. Nick would later play as a Girobabie a lot further down the line.

Many people to this day still say that `The Wheelybin Sessions` CD we promoted that week was the best work we`ve ever done and that we sold out by playing instruments properly, recording real drums and enlisting a producer. In a world where Ludacris collabing with Justin Beiber is seen as a `shroud business move` The Giros must be the only band alive that can sell out by recording real drums.

We did one more final gig with Madskull at Ivory Blacks. This one was not as successful for Two reasons. We played Box a few days earlier and drew a good crowd that night and got away with being totally blitzed*

*This is not to be confused with the infamous Easter Box gig we did a few weeks later where the promoter booked too many bands and we missed our changed slot. We later talked the sound guy into letting us play a short 7 minute set since we had brought 50 people through the door. By the time we got on Hazy had tanned too much tonic and plugged his guitar in the wrong amp. We had to freestyle one song without Hazy (replacing them with two girls dancing in silver boxes*Pictured , did one as a dedication to a friend/ fan who had deceased days earlier and were then cut off midway through. At which time I then broke the smoking ban and was physically removed from the stage

*

So at Ivory Blacks, as we took it to another level.  I mean properly fucked up with anything and everything. There`s video footage us dancing around at the 6pm soundcheck. We took the stage few hours later after Alien Space Invaders played a fine set. I was brandishing an umbrella for some reason and we were all covered in neon face paint. Watching that gig back you can see our inbetween song chats lasting for what seems like hours. Most of it was not even aimed at the crowd. We were chatting away amongst ourselves, high 5`ing each other and having a great laugh seemingly blissfully unaware that behind the lights was a rather inpatient and bemused crowd gathered. I think we even delayed the Madskull set by a fair bit but they let us play our `Jeremy Kyle Fucked my Wife` finale despite the fact we were waaaay over time. Good lads and they blew us off the stage thereafter with a top notch set. The afterparty was a `Bring whoever you like` affair. We brought around 50 people to the party with their blessing. The blessing didnt last for long as the police were then called by an `informant` aka a suspected unhappy flatmate and police tried to move everyone out with or without shoes. Here`s a tip- Police dont see the funny side when you put a Taggart voice on and say `Officer! There`s been a shoe theft…`

We played Two more gigs with le drummer fantastique Claude before he moved to China(!) One was as part of the Mayday! Mayday! all day festival at Dirty Martinis, Kilmarnock. It was a Sunday and the last day of the season where both Rangers edged out Celtic for the title and Kilmarnock narrowly avoided relegation. This meant by the time we hit the stage at approx 7pm they were in high spirits. It was a great gig. We also enlisted Jess Hopkins for a couple of songs which went down well (especially the Pink Floyd cover she did with Hazy) 

We had a huge crowd in the palm of our hands until we launched into `Swine Flu` (a parody of Blur`s `Song 2`) which seemed to split the crowd a little but all in all a good night was had by all which was a surprise to me who was still wearing a suit from a court appearance 2 days earlier

Claude`s last stand was held to a sold out Nice n Sleazys and included Punto the Feef and The Cairos. We headlined and the crowd chanted his name throughout. He is still regarded to this day as a complete legend and a good friend. It was a solid performance from everyone and It was the end of one era but the start of a completely new one….

Here`s a rare video (just made public for the 1st time for over a year and a half) of Claude in action and the last time the band ever played our song `Summer Showers` it kicks in once me and my bizarrely dyed hair leave the stage and Claude steps up his game and Hazy plays a flawless solo